verbatim.

A common goal among singles, with the start of a new year and a commitment to a new you is to dabble in one or more of the numerous dating apps, sites or match making services: you know Tinder, Happn, Match, eHarmony, Elite Singles, Christian Mingle, Vancouver MatchMakers, etc.The rationale here is simple, there might possibly some one or some one(s) out there that you just haven’t met yet.

Being part of the masses, and of course to add to the research, I elected to take part in this practice, going above and beyond the Frosted tips tinder strategy of just swipe right for everyone (amateurs).

Below is a snapshot of messages received over the course of two weeks from the lovely men in our fair VanCity. Now as a disclaimer this is not a shaming exercise, but rather to highlight the creativity and angles that people use in pursuit of a mate. Step right up single girl, your dream date could be behind one of the messages below!

Bachelor #1: I actually read your profile (yes, stroke me later hear me, now)…I have a magical feeling we would get along famously…See u in the kitchen in 10; we got gingerbread cookies to make, cuz they ain’t gonna burn themselves….I sense a chakhral holy nexus of possibilities here, And sense a calmness of soul…and saw your indelible photo and profile. Selcouthly Scrumptious smiley smile – ebbs and flows- and inviting eyes, revealing a hint of your warm aura, or maybe I’m wrong, and you’re a tyrant! 

Verdict: High, taking the piss, or just plain crazy cakes.

Bachelor #2: Msg 1: Okay first off I just spent like an hour writing this message and then I couldn’t send it due to your settings so yes I cheated to be able to send you this but I put so much effort into it I couldn’t let it go to waste, don’t hate me!! 

Msg 2: OMG you hate me don’t you? Why aren’t you responding? You seem so nice and I love your photos, please give me a chance?

Msg 3: Am I scaring you off? F! I’m so bad at this, I don’t know what to say, can we just please meet for coffee in like 5 min?

Verdict: You are assuming I am going to hate you because you allegedly wrote me a message and it disappeared? And you’re assuming I have time in my day to drop everything in 5 minutes? No, thats childs play, whoa tiger, tone it done.

Bachelor #3: I’ll be straight up with you about my  involvement with a certain division of the US government so I can’t really talk about it, well not on here anyway, if we met up for a date then of course I would tell you in person but it’s just not something I can chat about openly …saying this now I’m sure it it will scare you off but I would rather be open about it now then to spring it on you after our 8th date and find out your not okay with it. 

Verdict: So, we are having 8 dates are we? Hmm, ok. But more importantly when do I officially get to become a spy?

Bachelor #4: hey, how are you, would you like to get to know each other and meet up sometime we can go for a bite to eat or coffeeshop, I’m looking for a committed relationship, fall in love and open to threesomes.

Verdict: Love the diversity, long winded sentencing and lack of proper punctuation, oh and your openness, you must also be on a year of firsts quest?

Bachelor #5: Hi, welcome to a nice life, take a right into love lane and then a left at romantic. Continue south to the heat of never never land and float over to cloud 9. If you wish to continue north into mile high club this will lead to utopia.

Verdict: Does my Nexus pass work enroute to Utopia?

Bachelor #6: Sometimes I wonder why God allows bad things to happen to good people. For example, how have we never been on a date yet?

Verdict: Smooth, did you just watch the State of the Nation? And, what about the atheists? the radicals? Terrorists? Don’t they all go on dates?

Bachelor #7: X. No really guys, X. Girlfriends of mine flagged this one pretty darn quick, and the kicker? He’s just photo shopped me out of some pictures, include a wedding photo, because apparently he looked that good in a suit that it is online dating worthy. His LinkedIn photo is apparently the same. Yes single girl, those are my diamond earrings dangling,yes my dress really was that stunning, and no you cannot borrow that pair of Manolos. The phone call that I got from a girlfriend, was basically her silent laughing with intermittent snorting, code for I have something to tell you and you’re not going to like it, you’re going to love it. God bless girlfriends.

Verdict: Funny? Yes. Sad? even more so. Clearly he is didn’t learn anything from his marketing/PR ex wife, reassuring to know I was actually good for something.

Bachelor #8: A photo is worth a thousand words, but in order to avoid the photo shame, let us just say Bachelor #8 has swapped a headshot with a McDonalds Ice Cream cone, chocolate covered phallic symbol, with the tagline: seeking a no limits Sub.

Verdict: Will there be ice cream involved if I agree to be a Sub?

Bachelor #9: I am only writing to you because I have extremely high standards (just ask my friends) but I think you could be it. I am so confident that I think should plan 3 dates, instead of one. I also want to tell you what a great package you are getting with me: I own multiple businesses around the world, I helped a community of women escape the Taliban,  and I live on Davie St, and I am not gay. I am so rare, I am a dating unicorn, oh and I see dead people. Once we start dating, I like my coffee with brown sugar, not many people do, you know. It is a sign of intelligence, this is probably why I got into MIT. Anyway, you are really lucky I contacted you.

Verdict: Oh, yes, how lucky. And I think I need to not be so selfish here, you should really hold out for someone in your league, I am so not worthy.

Well there you have it folks, for those of you who are terrified of the online community, I am sure I didn’t do you any favours, and for those of you in the trenches, I am sure you have your own stories to add, so please comment.

And, in the interest of thoughts becoming things, note we have not concluded with Bachelor #10, in my mind Bachelor #10 should be the real deal, and in the interest of manifestation lets just keep that open shall we?

Worst case, this ends up being a two part, three part, or multi verbatim series…